I had been thinking of putting all the necessary information together in the same article for other women who’re struggling in their relationships for a long time now. A little late though, but here it is:
If I can break the shackles of an abusive marriage and come out a lot stronger, so can you! It is your life, you live it your way and to the hilt! Of course, I do not advocate that you suddenly go bonkers and react to every petty thing and go about abusing men just to prove a point. Marriage is a very sacred institution. But it is important to see the extreme signs and save yourself before it is too late. I’ll be touching these topics in fair detail one by one.
WHAT IS ‘DOMESTIC VIOLENCE’ (excerpts of the definition have been taken from ‘lawyers collective’ and wikipedia):
3. Threats to cause injury or harm.Forms of violence recognized under the law:
1. PHYSICAL VIOLENCE: any act that causes bodily injury or hurt.
Examples: Beating, kicking, shoving, etc.
2. SEXUAL ABUSE: any humiliating or degrading sexual act.
Examples: forced sexual intercourse, forcing the woman to watch pornography against her will,
unnatural and unsafe sex, forcing the wife to indulge in swapping partners, etc.
3. VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE: insults, ridicule, blaming and threat causing harm or injury.
Just because your partner does not sexually or physically assault you, does not mean that all is well at home. Emotional abuse is a lot more confusing to comprehend and accept.
Examples: partner’s excessively violent and unpredictable temper, name calling, ostracizing (not letting someone take part in social activities, cutting off a woman’s social circle), blaming a woman for not being able to have a male child, not letting her visit her parental home, controlling her lifestyle and trying every bit to change it completely, treating her as nothing more than a maid, constantly humiliating and criticizing, ignoring the woman’s accomplishments, blaming the victim for their abusive behaviour, eccentric possessive behaviour, dominance, intimidation (gestures like they’re going to hit you, smashing things, hitting children and pets, putting weapons on display), confining her to the fore-walls of the house, keeping her from using the phone or internet, denial of physical intimacy, putting false allegations of having a bad character, insult for not bringing sufficient dowry, threatening to harm or snatch children away, threatening to kill themselves, etc.
4. ECONOMIC ABUSE: deprivation of the basic necessities of life and entitlements that causes injury or harm.
Examples: denial of food, deprivation of basic necessities (food, shelter, clothes, medical), disposing off household assets to cause detriment of the woman, disposing off her own assets (Stridhan-definition explained at the end of the article) against her will, excessively controlling her finances, withholding money, questioning every penny she spends, preventing her from picking up a job, trying everything to not let her work, stealing her money, snatching her salary,non-payment of bills, etc.
5. Monetary relief: The respondent (abuser) can be made accountable for all expenses incurred and losses suffered by the aggrieved person and her child. This may include loss of income, payments towards maintenance of the aggrieved woman and her children, medical expenses, damage to property, etc.
6. Custody of children: The court grants temporary custody of the child to the aggrieved person or any person who makes an application on her behalf. The respondent (abuser) may have visiting rights or the court may disallow any such visiting rights if it thinks that it can be harmful for the children.
7. Compensation: The court may ask the abuser to pay for any damages caused due to domestic violence – both mental and physical.
8. Ex-parte order: The court may pass ex-parte orders on the basis of the statement given by the aggrieved party.
9. In case of breach of ‘protection order’: Breach of ‘protection order’ by the perpetrator is a non-bailable offence punishable, with a year of imprisonment which may extend to one year or fine which may extend to Rs. 20,000 or both. Non-compliance or discharge of duties by the protection officer is also sought to be made an offence under the act.
STATISTICS: (excerpts have been taken from Wikipedia and National Crime Records Bureau)
8. It is the most prevalent human rights violation and more deaths take place due to domestic violence than natural factors.
FACTS ABOUT ABUSERS:
8. The problem is with your abusive partner, not you. Your abusive partner is the one going through psychological and emotional issues, your behaviour does not foster any negative psychological reaction. In fact, ignoring the problem surely aggravates the violent behaviour. So, stop blaming yourself for his behavior!
Cycle of abuse:
Excuses: The abuser plays blame-game and shifts the blame on the victim. He might give excuses like “what you said triggered my temper”….”it’s your fault”…..”why did you invite your parents / friends when you know I don’t like them”…..”why did you go without my permission”…, etc.
Normal behaviour: The abuser switches from being abusive to calm. This switch does not crop up from any love, rather to keep the victim from walking out on the abuser. The victim assumes that the abuser has had a sudden change of heart. But the abuser strikes again pretty soon.
Fantasy and planning: The abuser keeps a mental score your goof-up’s and how he would punish you. He fantasizes abusing you.
Set-up: The abuser puts his well-thought of plan into action. He corners you and abuses you yet again. He even justifies why abusing you was the right thing to do and that you’d asked for it.
The abuser says that he loves you and begs you to stay, giving you a false hope that things would get better in future..
…………………………………..but the cycle continues over and over again!
COMMON MYTHS:
Women from all class, caste, community, religion, stature, marital status, age, sexual orientation can be victims of domestic violence. Men too face domestic violence, however, their cases are less in comparison to that of women.2. Domestic violence is the couple’s domestic affair:
Domestic violence is a serious crime. It is a social problem and we are all a part of the very same society, therefore, it is everyone’s business. Don’t just walk around with blinkers. The victim might not be able to seek help or freely talk about it. But they seek people who care about them and support them. So, extend a helping hand.
3. Might not be all that bad:
There could be various reasons as to why the victim does not make things public. It doesn’t mean that all is well within the four walls of the house.
4. She deserved it:
No one deserves to be abused. It is a human rights violation and is against the law. Blame the abuser, not the victim.
5. Bad relationship does not lead to violence:
Bad relationships might lead to an occasional argument, not violence. The victim focuses all her energy towards making the relationship “better”. As a matter of fact, no amount of effort on the victim’s part will change the situation. The abuser blames the bad relationship for his bad behavior. Discussions or arguments don’t lead to abuse. The problem lies with the perpetrator, not the victim or the relationship!
6. Alcohol or drug abuse can cause violence:
Many perpetrators are not substance abusers and not all substance abusers resort to domestic violence. Drug or alcohol addiction and violence are two very distinct issues. There’s no excuse for violent behaviour.
7. Stress / monetary problems leads to violent behavior:
Life is full of problems, it doesn’t mean that one should resort to venting out one’s frustration on the partner. Abusers don’t necessarily need a reason to harm the partner. The reason may be real or imagined. Abusers dig for reasons to abuse their partners.
8. The victim provokes the abuser:
This is one of the most common myths which a lot of victims believe in as well. The abuser very smartly shifts the blame of his violent behavior onto the victim. Like I mentioned before, they look for reasons to abuse the victim. The abuser might say things like, “you made me do it”…..”you know I get mad when you talk back”..Talking back or speaking one’s mind is not provoking. You have every right to call a spade a spade and your partner has no right to turn abusive.
9. The abuser has no control over his behavior:
The abuser generally hits where bruises are less visible to other people. He plots and plans as to when and how he would batter his partner. He’s able to switch moods with ease, especially when there’s someone at the door or over the phone. Research shows that abuse always happens in a cycle. There’s a repeated pattern of behavior.
10. She must have seen it coming:
No one wants to be in an abusive relationship. Abusers are pretty good at disguise. They might seem like the ‘average Joe’ publicly. They do not show any signs of their abusive nature until the relationship is well established. Perpetrators maintain two sets of identities, one for the society and the other for the victim. This is the biggest challenge faced by the victim. She fears that people will not believe her. However, the law only requires the statement of the victim. It recognizes the fact that domestic violence takes place within the four-walls of the house and even if there are witnesses (like the abusive male’s family members), they will not support the victim.
11. Happened only once:
If it happens once, it is likely to happen over and over again. Sane people do not hit, however horrible the relationship might be. Threats to harm you are just as bad. Do not take them lightly.
WARNING SIGNS:
11. Enjoys sadistic videos. Watch out if your spouse’s / beau’s favourite movie happens to be ‘silence of the lambs’. See if he enjoys sadistic spine-chilling movies.
12. Sexual problems. In some cases, a man who suffers from an extreme sexual dysfunction, may try to assert control over a woman by assaulting her physically, mentally and financially to keep her tied down in the relationship. He would keep a constant watch over the victim. All this is only to cover up for the problem that he’s been dealing with and is not ready to accept.
13. Egoistic. There’s a huge difference between self-respect and ego. If your partner has an insanely bloated ego, it is impossible for him to ever realize his mistake. Without a doubt, all the blame will be shifted to your shoulders, even if it’s his own doing. Such a person is potentially harmful in the long run.
14. Insensitive towards animals and hapless. Someone who lacks basic sensitivity towards animals and hapless people and hits or abuses them, that’s exactly how he will treat you. Be wary of such behaviour.
15. Continuous denial of sex. This could be one of those power-play tactics (passively aggressive behaviour) played by the abuser. He might completely withhold sex to have an upper hand in the relationship. This is a form of emotional cruelty as this leaves the partner feeling unattractive and unworthy. An occasional refusal due to a logical and very reasonable problem is acceptable but not when it becomes a daily affair. If latter is the case, then your partner is plain abusive.
16. Constantly checks up on you. If your partner checks your call logs, phone details, calls up every few minutes to check if you are home, frantically calls up on all phones if you don’t attend a call on either of the phones, etc.
17. Is a narcissist. Such a person will never accept his follies and will never make any effort to work it out or change his violent behaviour.
WHY YOU SHOULD WALK OUT OF AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE / RELATIONSHIP:
6. Physical and mental impact: Abuse might lead to physical injuries, hospitalization, permanent physical damage, depression and other long term psychological issues. In some cases, it may even lead to homicide or the victim might herself may lose the will to live and may develop suicidal tendencies.
7. Damage to the kids: They might even be the next victims of the abusive father. They might get physically, sexually and emotionally assaulted or even be the victims of homicide. If not, they would get neglected because of the constant drama at home. Their performance at school might get affected. Their overall growth might get hampered. They might suffer from sleep disorders. Might live in constant fear and go completely speechless. They might have trouble making friends. Even if kids do not witness physical abuse taking place, they can still hear screams and it scares the hell out of them. It is believed that 80% to 90% of these children are aware of the situation at home. These kids might learn abusive behaviour and might repeat the abusive cycle once they grow up or the abuse might affect the kids mentally (dyslexia, impaired cognitive and sensory growth) or grow up to be another victim of abuse.
10. Peace of mind and a happy future. Most women lead happy and successful lives after getting out of abusive marriages. If you keep worrying about the future, you will never get to explore the beautiful future that awaits you with open arms. You and your kids deserve a happy and peaceful life.
11. You’ll get support. There are a lot of women who go through it. Your family and friends will support you. There are a lot of support groups out there to help you out.
COMMON REASONS WHY WOMEN FIND IT DIFFICULT TO GET OUT OF A BAD MARRIAGE / BAD RELATIONSHIP:
1. Lack of legal knowledge:
-Our constitution guarantees complete equality of the sexes. The law recognizes the status of the wife from a subservient member of the family to the co—equal head of the family.
-For further details on the various laws that have been made to protect women in India, log onto:
http://www.legalserviceindia.com/laws/women_issues.htm
http://www.lawyerscollective.org/domestic-violence/domestic-violence.html
http://www.lawyerscollective.org/files/FAQonProtectionOfWomen1.pdf
http://www.lawyerscollective.org/files/FAQonProtectionOfWomen2.pdf
2. Fear of the society and the social stigma attached to a “divorce.” :
3. Kids:
4. Not being financially independent:
5. Unsupportive family:
6. Breaking the habit:
7. Uncertainty about the future:
8. Commitment weighs heavy:
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO:
3. Seek medical help. Go show your injuries to a doctor. Don’t hide anything when he asks as to how it happened. The same will serve as a document in the court. If you happen to see a psychiatrist owing to the domestic violent, keep those documents safe as well.
4. Avoid enclosed places. When you sense danger, avoid enclosed spaces without a exist. Avoid places where a weapon is kept. Kitchen is a dangerous spot to be in. Head for the living room or where there’s a phone or your screams will be audible to people in the neighbourhood or you can escape through the main door.
5. Memorize important phone numbers. You should memorize and call the numbers if you’re in a fix. Inform your loved ones. Call the cops. Dial 100 / 1091. Local helpline numbers are given in the city pull-out of newspapers.
Some of the helpline numbers are given on the ‘Bell Bajao’ site: http://www.bellbajao.org/home/resources/helplines/
In case of emergency or if the victim cannot immediately go to the cops or the PO (protection officer): Either the victim or someone on her behalf can report the matter even through an email or phone at any time during the day or night. The PO or SP will themselves go to the woman to lodge a DIR and will immediately present the DIR to the magistrate for an immediate order to protect the woman.
6. Be careful with your phone settings. If you use any other number for help, make sure you turn it off when it is not in use and hide it. If you escape, your abuser can track you down through your GPS settings. Make sure you turn off your phone. If you’re making calls behind his back, be wary of your partner keeping a tab on your call details though. Call up from a pre-paid mobile number and make sure you delete any number from your call list that might get your perpetrator all worked up.
7. Be careful with your computer. Try to use a computer outside of your home. Your perpetrator might be keeping a tab on your internet activity. If you’ve sought help online or have scanned through domestic violence pages and your partner finds out, this could get you in trouble. Create a new email account if you’re exchanging mails with support groups. Your perpetrator could try hacking into your official account to keep a tab. Change your passwords and choose one that your partner can’t guess. Skip the usual birthdays, nicknames and all.
8. Contact a domestic violence support group / NGO in your area. ‘Bell Bajao’ is one such campaign. The same was launched back in 2008 at a global level and calls on men in the society to take a stand against domestic violence. Once you get in touch with them, they put you through to the right people who can help you. Here are some important links to help you establish a connection with them:
9. Support system in your area. Try building a support system for yourself in the neighbourhood. If you fear a violent reaction from your partner on that, do it while he’s away.
10. Stop blaming yourself. Your partner’s violent behaviour is a manifestation of his own psychological and emotional issues. Don’t lose your self-worth. No matter what you do for the peace an sanity in the house, it’s just not going to change. The problem lies with your abuser, not you!
11. Be wary of surveillance devices. If your partner has set surveillance cams, be careful about your activity. Even if you spot them, do not fiddle with them. Your abuser might get alert. The abuser might even be keeping a tab about where all you’ve been. The GPS of your car and cell phone can give that away.
12. Escape before it’s too late. Physical and sexual abuse can get life-threatening. Emotional abuse too can lead to mental illness and leave life-long scars.
13. Be strong and maintain a positive frame of mind. Life is precious. Don’t just give up on it.
14. File a formal complaint and get in touch with a lawyer.
15. See a counselor / psychologist/ psychiatrist. It’s perfectly normal to get professional help. Apart from professional help, you can talk to your parents, siblings and close friends. But I still suggest professional help. They’re trained to handle such cases. Talk it out to your heart’s content. It’ll help you get rid of the encumbrances much faster.
WHAT YOU SHOULD AVOID DOING:
1. Hide your partner’s atrocities from family and social circle. Expose your partner. If people are aware of your situation, they might be able to help you out and rescue you.
2. Retaliate: Retaliation might even get the worst ever reaction from your abuser. Just get out of the situation. Escape.
3. Following people’s suggestions / advices without putting your own brains into it. People love to give their unsolicited advice and a lot of times, they do not know even know basic laws. Also, too many cooks spoil the broth. They’d end up having a clash amongst themselves over the course of action and nothing right will come of it. Seek the right help. Friends and family are for emotional support. For the legal help, listen to the lawyer and trust your own instincts! You don’t have to prove your loyalty towards your social circle while you’re neck deep in quick-sand.
4. Procrastinate filing a formal complaint. If you fear for your life, don’t procrastinate. The more the delay, the higher the chances of threat to you and your kids. Also, the more the delay, the weaker your case becomes.
5. Waste time in police proceedings. My personal experience with the cops has been pretty bad and I honesty do not trust the system. The cops only insist on ‘compromise’ and ‘negotiation’. If you do that, there’s a fair chance of your abuser abusing you in one way or the other. Let the court instruct him to leave you alone. The police proceedings take ‘forever’ and it is a common tactic to buy time (for the accused).
In my opinion, you should immediately file a complaint with the magistrate. The first hearing takes place within three days. The proceeding is much faster in comparison to the grilling procedure of going through police proceedings.
Be wary of your lawyer switching parties (a common problem in India). If he’s sold his soul, he would insist that you ‘compromise’ or ‘negotiate’ or not turn up for hearings or turn up late. That’s the first indication that you need to start looking for someone else. Try talking to people in the courts (photostat guys, oath commissioner, etc) to find out a decent lawyer with a good success rate.
6. Blame yourself your for the past. The onus of an abusive marriage lies solely with the abuser. Normal people do not abuse others.
7. Get bogged down for the fear of the tag of a ‘divorce’. The society is going through a major metamorphosis and to a major extent, divorce is not that big a deal now. You do not owe anyone any explanation anyway. As long as you are safe and sound, it’s all good. Consider this as a ‘good riddance’ and start your life afresh.
8. Never plan a child. “A child brings the couple together” is only applicable in case of normal people with normal psyches. If your partner is abusive, there’s a fair chance that he would turn out to be abusive with the kids as well. It’ll get all the more difficult for you to get out of the relationship then. Walk out with no strings attached. You shouldn’t make things more complicated than they are already.
9. Find a rebound. Give yourself some time to heal and overcome your encumbrances. You will either fall into another rut or drag someone else into your mess. Give yourself some time. Explore your own self. Figure out what you want in life.
10. Turn cynical. A horrible experience should not change you as a person. No two people are alike. Don’t lose faith in humanity. You’re stronger than you think you are. Don’t turn into a cynic. Don’t give up on life. Move on. You never know what the future has in store for you. Be positive. Your happiness and future depends on you alone.
DEFENCE AND PARAMILITARY PERSONNEL’S WIVES:
What you should do:
1. Never try to cover it up. Hiding it will not help you out. Army is like a family and you’ll get plenty of support from people here.
2. Report the matter to your husband’s CO (commanding officer) and Brigade Commander.
3. Write a complaint to the Chairperson of your respective Association. Check out the links below:
ARMY: AWWA (Army Wives Welfare Association) : http://awwa.in/contact-us.php
AIR-FORCE: AFWWA (Air-force Wives Welfare Association) : http://indianairforce.nic.in/show_page.php?pg_id=62
Navy: NWWA (Navy Wives Welfare Association): http://www.irfc-nausena.nic.in/irfc/nwwa/html/contactus.htm
BSF: BWWA (BSF Wives Welfare Association) : http://www.bsf.nic.in/bwwa/contact_us.html
GREF: GREWWA (GREF Employees Wives Welfare Association) : http://grewwa.org/contact.html
ITBP: HWWA (Himveer Wives Welfare Association) : http://itbpolice.nic.in/itbpwebsite/ContactUs.html
WHAT FAMILY AND FRIENDS OF THE VICTIM SHOULD DO:
2. Never tell them to ‘adjust’: I find the word ‘adjust’ absolutely crazy. Adjustment is made from both sides. It takes two to tango..Your relationship cannot sail through if only you put in all the effort. It’ll exhaust you off completely.
3. Never tell them to be the calm: Staying silent doesn’t solve any problem. Peace at home is the responsibility of both partners and love and respect are absolutely mutual.
4. Show them the mirror: Make them understand how horrible things are and what might happen. Tell them that they deserve a healthy and happy life and not the mess they’re going through. Tell them that no matter how hard they try, it is never going to be enough for the abusive partner. Let them know that the abuse is not their fault. But if you find them unrelenting to the fact, just be there as a friend and hear them out. Victims take a while to accept that they are in a horrible relationship and Stick around for your friend.
5. Tell them that you are there: Victims need that reassurance that someone is there for them.
6. Help them devise an SOS plan: Keep a code word or something. Help her escape.
7. Encourage her to contact the right authorities: Contact a support group / NGO on behalf of your friend and offer to take the victim there. Accompany the victim to the police station, lawyer’s office and court.
8. Don’t lose your cool: Even though seeing someone you care about go through a murky relationship can be quite frustrating, especially when the victim is not mentally prepared to move out, let the victim decide for herself. You can’t do anything till the victim makes up her mind to call it quits. Have patience.
10. Never tell them to plan a baby:
Things will only get murkier with the arrival of the child. Your relative / friend will find it all the more difficult to get out of the abusive relationship. You don’t want another life going through it.
11. Refrain from giving legal advice if you have absolutely no knowledge:
Half knowledge is worse than no knowledge. Get the right help for the victim. Refrain from giving any ‘legal advice’.
12. If your family member / friend ends the relationship: Let her talk it out. Even though the horrifying chapter is over, she still might need emotional support. Don’t discourage her from talking about it. Talking will cleanse her system for good. She’ll get out of it much faster. Hear her out. Be there for her.
13. Never blame her for their divorce and never remind her of their past. Unless and until she wants to talk about it, let bygones be bygones. You don’t bring up the topic.
14. Bell bajao – Ring the bell. Stand up against any injustice. Call the authorities. Be a responsible citizen and don’t just be a selfish soul, who walks around with blinkers and ignores everything around. Let go off the “it doesn’t affect me, I shouldn’t bother” syndrome.
-Woman’s salary, if she’s working.
-Property acquired by the woman by her own endeavour.
-Property purchased by a woman’s ‘stridhan’ automatically becomes her ‘stridhan’.
-Jewelery (gifted by her parents, in-laws, husband, relatives friends, family friends-whether from bride’s side of groom’s side), gifts presented to her at the time of the wedding or later.
-Articles given by her parents gifts from a woman’s relations during maidenhood, course of marriage or widowhood.
-Gifts from strangers during maidenhood, course of marriage and widowhood, absolute gift at the time of partition of assets bequeathed during maidenhood, course of marriage and widowhood.
-Any amount of money given to her by relatives or parents or people from the groom’s side at the time of the wedding or later (shaguns).
– A woman holds exclusive and absolute right over her stridhan.
– Includes movable and immovable property.
– She holds a right to sell, give away, alienate her stridhan as she pleases, both during her lifetime and thereafter.
– The husband or his family have no right over a woman’s stridhan.
Educated women these days maintain a list of their ‘stridhan’ and are capable of looking after their own ‘stridhan’ by keeping their jewellery and instruments of money (FD’s, property documents, policies, etc) in their personal lockers.
In a lot of Indian families, women are forced to hand over their ‘stridhan’. Now, you know that it’s rightfully, exclusively and absolutely yours.
Marriage / relationship is not just between a woman and a man but between two best friends, two confidants, two lovers, two people who appreciate each other’s efforts and presence, two people who care about each other, two people who respect each other and can’t even imagine not being with each other. Life is too short to do anything but bask in pure happiness.
We need to teach our sons about gender equality, to be sensitive and respect women (not turn them into Demigods). We need to teach our daughters to stand up for their dignity and encourage them to have their own opinions. We also need to give them a better set of values. We need to teach our kids to be compassionate.
A BIG THANK YOU TO MY EXTREMELY PRECIOUS MUM AND DADDY WHO STOOD BY MY SIDE THROUGHOUT AND CONTINUE TO DO SO; MY LAWYER, WHO’S MORE LIKE A BROTHER TO MY DAD AND HAS BEEN A CONSTANT SUPPORT SYSTEM; FAMILY FRIENDS AND MY OLD BUDDIES WHO KEPT OUR SPIRITS HIGH AND LET ME POUR MY HEART OUT!! I CAN’T THANK YOU ALL ENOUGH!! I DEDICATE THIS TO ALL OF YOU!!
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An elaborate insight indeed into the most common social issue often ignored by the "aurat" of our society. I feel the main reason amongst the ones which you've quoted is the social stigma and the fear of society which restrains one to take action.
Hina, sadly most women in India do not even know their legal rights and therefore, put up with crap..Society is yet another problem..It's about time that the society itself goes through some serious metamorphosis..Raising our voice against the social issues will lead to that.. 🙂
very well written surbhi !! you are truly a survivor. lots of love.
Surbhi, thanks a bunch for being there!! Lotza love :*
OH MY GOD!!! Surbhi, I DID NOT know all this. I am so sorry. But more than sorry I am simply PROUD of you man.. This is heroic.I will be in Chandigarh in Dec.. and I will see you then.and yeh.. for now and ahead just LIVE LIFELot of love and good wishes.
Thanks Payal..I couldn't have done it without Mom and Dad..They were the biggest support system and then there were friends who kept my spirits high 🙂 I do intend to live it up :)Let's catch up in December for sure..Love and good wishes back at ya! 🙂
Vicious cycle…..to break out of it needs …. Nerves of Titanium…nah…adamantium….(wolverine has it…) ….am so proud of you….you ve got loads of it Girl….and the fact that you decided to share it…. Not many can articulate such sensitive matters , keep the blog shining….
well done miss sunshine.. this info will certainly help those bearing the brunt.. not much of a feminist.. but just being human.. people need to know this…
Well thought off, elobarative in nature and a great effort.You are right, no nonsense attitude is required to handle such evil in socities. The knowledge you are imparting will definitely help. Keep up the Josh. Do send this to editor of newspapers.
A big hug from one survivor to another survivor..mmmuuuaaahhh munchkin…I am including Surbhi Singh also (thank you for being there) and making it a group hug 🙂
Great work Sur…. this should actually be a pre marital lesson to every daughter.. you never know whats in the bag…. Keep it Up !!!
U know what I read ur article in the morning n hv been thinking since that how stupidly ignorant v girls are!!! n its only because v hv this notion of this can never happen to ME.. Just reading through ur article Surbhi sent shivers through my body n U SURVIVED IT! u r a real life SUPERGIRL for sure 🙂 immense respect to u Surbhi.. M sure only GOOD BETTER n BEST is in store for u 🙂
N yes I love the profile name.. Eternal sunshine 🙂
Aki, I think everyone needs to know..There might be people in one's social circle going through it..Only knowledge will help them get their loved ones out of such mess..
Thanks Santosh..I've realized that it's nothing to be ashamed of..Hope it helps a lot of people out there..N thanks a bunch for being there during the crazy journey! 🙂
Thanks a bunch Parichay..I hope this gives women the enlightenment and courage to stand up against injustice and walk off with dignity to start a new life..I also hope that it changes the society's perception towards 'divorce'..Will keep the 'josh' going.. 🙂
Thank u sweetie..Muuuuaaah to u too..!! 🙂 Indeed calls for a group hug!! And a big thank u to Surbhi Singh once again!! :)Saumya, you're a hero!! I can't wait to see your documentary on this issue!! May u go places!! 🙂
Thanks a bunch Abhi..I agree that Parents should teach their daughters the warning signs before the girls dive into relationships..Then they should keep their backs as well..
Thanks a bunch Mitu.. :)The notion 'this can never happen to me' takes one down and then one's scared enough to let go and live with the tag..However, the tag is nothing compared to how ugly things get in abusive relationships and walking out and starting one's life afresh is a lot better than losing one's dignity day in and day out..The outlook of our society needs to change..!
hehe..thankiiieeee 🙂
Surbhi,One word. Respect.Much love,Saba
Thanks a bunch, sweetie! Lotza love ❤ :*
Hi Surbhi Didi,I never got a chance to really interact with you in our schooldays… I am sad to hear that you had to go though a bad phase in your life but I am much happier to see you get over it and surface as such a strong person.always thought you were so pretty & delicate & sophisticated. I am really happy for you… Thank you for this article.Luv & Respect Anima (Garima's Sister)
its fine what it says….but two things.. firstly – all this is being used as women as an excuse to gain more in marraiges or out of marraiges – whatever suits them – out of the 70% cases almost 45 % are false.. .secondly, men are equally in todays "women empowerment " world going thru mental violence( phy in some cases) thanks to our laws , which actually meant for the lower rurual class are being misused by the "learned" women of today…and this article actually fuels this .not in any way saying that genuine domestically violenced women are not there….but the numbers of false cases outweigh the real ones!!!
Kunaal, you seem to be highly deluded in life. Where have u picked your stats from? Is it a figment of your imagination? I would understand if this comment of yours comes from your own bad experience or that of a loved one. But surely doesn't mean that you overlook the facts.It is nearly impossible for men to go through physical and sexual assault. Indian men (especially North Indian men) are highly chauvinistic. They would term basic marital arguments as "abuse", just to prove a point, like you are trying to do here. The trouble lies with the patriarchal mindset and at times, families of men make things worse by backing their sons' abusive behaviour.No matter how qualified and progressive women of today have become, domestic violence by the husband and his family continue to haunt. Thanks to the divorce taboo of the society, women find it hard to walk out. It gets worse when there are kids involved.One of the biggest myths is that domestic violence is a thing of the rural class. Domestic violence has nothing to do with class, caste, community, et al.Just because a handful of women have misused the law does not mean that other women, who actually go through it, should be kept from such information. Every citizen has a right to information and live one's life to one's own liking.I have not missed out the point that men too go through it, however, their percentage is very low. I personally know two men who have gone through extreme crap but that's nothing compared to the women I know who have gone through it (to a degree that's a lot worse) and some of them continue to bear the brunt. I've experienced abuse (physical, mental and financial)..My first hand experience hasn't made me a cynic. You shouldn't be one either!Please get your facts right and develop a positive attitude in life!
Anima darling,Thanks a bunch 🙂 I couldn't have done it without Mom and Dad and then family friends and friends were there to help me get out of it asap. I was fortunate to get immense support. There are a lot of people out there who aren't as fortunate.Unfortunately, such issues rarely come out in the open. We can either choose to succumb to it or grow out of it and start afresh. The latter is the right thing to do.Let us all raise our voice against social issues and make this country a sane place to live..Lotza love..God bless! :*
Dear Madam,I truly salute you (assuming you have actually gone through all the hell)…for fighting back…But somehow I am unable to contain myself from asking one question: Does the domestic violence happen only to ladies and not to guys….just like you are a survivor of DV against women, I am a survivor too of DV by my wife…it might be sounding funny to you but it is. I was tortured emotionally, and blackmailed many times over my son, once even physically assaulted by my wife.Now, you can either choose to laugh at me thinking what kind of guy am I who got punched by his wife; or you may want to understand the reason behind this. Ironically, she has filed DV against me. I know the law which is highly biased towards women…so on one side where actual victims like you use it for self defence, there are many other ladies who use it for oblique purposes. You can see lots of judgements over internet against misuse of DV, 498a, CrPC 125 etc. For your information, the conviction rate of 498a is around only 2% in India. If you go through data available on some NGOs who are working for women, I request you check some unbiased data….this thing has become an multi-crore extortion business in India. I have no intentions to hurrt your emotions or to bring back those nightmarish memories, but I jut want to make you aware of some facts. Thanks to govt. that ladies have way to easily quit out of bad marriages and with huge compensation (e.g. IrBM is coming to make ladies more rich), but husbands don't have any other option except facing the hell or commit suicide (62k-64k married men commit suicide every day as compared to 32k-34k married women). I hope just like I have sympathy for you, I hope you would also have sympathy for genuine victim husbands…Take care
Dear ChandanI'm not a misandrist. My heart goes out to everyone who's been betrayed. I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through hell..I happen to know three men now who are going through it.. Out of these three men, two happened to poke women in one way or the other, who then got super vindictive and took it to a different level altogether. The third guy wouldn't even hurt a fly.So, I know what you are talking about.By not raising your hand back, only proves to say that you're a gentleman. One doesn't have to stoop down to the standards of your perpetrator. Please don't change! We have a serious dearth of those in the country! Not everyone is the same.Believe me it isn't easy for any decent soul in this country, women or men. Men who are the actual perpetrators roam around scot-free by bribing at every possible level, starting from the cops, all the way up..'Pata hai mere baap kaun hai' works for others..Corruption rules the roost here as well..Aggrieved women do not really get justice!As for the shareef men who go through false cases, they are forced to get out of their mess by paying alimony (is what I've been trying to put across to the aggrieved male friend).. One needs to weigh everything..One needs to figure out if it's really worth fighting for, considering the amount of time and money you would waste during the course of proceedings. Justice in India is immensely delayed and hence, as good as denied. At times, it's just better to let 'Karma' do the needful..But I would understand considering that there's a child involved in your case..I was married for a brief 13 month period and do not have a child, so I didn't want to waste any time or paying any more money to the lawyers (I had to change three lawyers btw)..The lawyers know the perpetrator would pay anything to save his/her ass, so the lawyers make hay while the sun shines. But I was fortunate enough to come across a real gentleman of a lawyer who suggested I'd rather focus on starting my life afresh. I was told the same thing by a high court judge too, "sad you got a bad man and a bad family but these cases take good 8-10 yrs..You are young, don't waste your time. Kick him out of your life and start afresh." So, I made the call. Yes, my Dad lost a lot of his hard earned money for the wedding and keeping up with the dowry demands during the course of marriage and finally for paying the lawyers yet my marriage came to an end, but I'm safe and back with my immensely loving parents..Life is good! That's all that matters :)But let's face it, most men would simply walk out of bad marriages, while most women would stick around and try working things out. A lot of men would claim to be abused just because their women do not live up to their whims and fancies. Women are expected to adjust a lot more in all possible ways. Marriages in India put immense pressure on the women. It's frustrating. Everyone (the husband and his side of the family) puts a lot of pressure on a woman. Put yourself in a woman's shoes. She's expected to revolve her entire life around a man and his side of the family. No one seems to understand her need and attachment with her own flesh and blood. My question to you is, is that justified?? Will a man cut off all his ties and dedicate himself to the woman entirely and her side of the family? The answer is NO. Then what and who gives the right to Indian men and their families to control a woman's life so much? Think about it. You'll get suffocated with just the thought of it.
Cont..A lot of women who actually go through it, are forced to put up with it owing to the lack of support from families and the financial constraints. I know someone who's facing that too. I can't fathom how parents wouldn't protect their own flesh and blood when the child's life is at stake.I don't know where you have picked your statistics from (can you please share the links) but if the 2% conviction rate that you have mentioned is true, it would purely be because of the extremely frustrating court procedures that drain you out in all possible ways – financially, mentally and physically. The cases go on for so long that one thinks it's better to just get out of it and start afresh. I had to do that. I don't have much faith in the judicial system of the country, especially if you are dealing with someone who's influential. Coming out of a family of lawyers, I know what that is all about. I won't be surprised if you were married into one too..Dealing with families of cops, lawyers, bureaucrats and politicians is not everyone's cup of tea.You mentioned that you were physically assaulted 'once' by your wife. ONCE! I'm presuming that that was a changing point in your relationship. Female victims on the other hand, go through that hell over and over again. Just imagine getting hit black and blue every second day and living under a constant fear! You don't know if you'll ever make it through the night or ever see your parents again. There's a clear body mass difference between a man and a woman, right?Real men and women live as friends and don't complicate each other's lives. Romance, respect, genuine friendship and sense of space, all of these are important for a healthy relationship. Most Indians are an absolute zero when it comes to all that. It's like people get married for their parents want them to and there's a certain age to procreate. Indians have funny reasons for getting married :PI'm not a misandrist but I do feel women are unjustly dominated and this article is for those who are fighting it out. Men too can learn a thing or two from the article, if they choose to not make it a battle of the sexes. But there are all kinds of people everywhere. Move on..Life's beautiful..Please don't turn into a misogynist..You'll find someone worth spending your life with..All the best! 🙂